After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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