my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
