so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
