I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
