i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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