remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
