Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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