I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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