I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
