I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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