YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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