Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
