I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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