Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
