That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
zippers are such a cool invention
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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