I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
