we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
