First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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