I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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