if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize