i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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