Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
