I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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