That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
