Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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