i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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