Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
