Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Randomize
