it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
