would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
