So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize