happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
