Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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