I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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