Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize