Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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