Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
