worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
