somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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