my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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