I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I need to sanitize my soul.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
