Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize