smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
