life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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