Plan B is the new Plan A
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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