dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
