Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
