Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
