So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
