Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
