the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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