If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
