Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
