I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
