The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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