Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
someone owes me an orgasm
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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