I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Bring me that man meat
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
