If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
barbara walters just said penis...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
